Its 11:00pm. My baby is peacefully sleeping and the gentle yet exhausted breaths coming from my husband fill our room. It was a good day, maybe even a great one. Errands finished, a little Easter preparation, dinner with friends, and yet all I can think about (and the reason I'm restless and awake) is the 5 or so minutes today when I sat in my car motionless wondering and asking myself, "what is the point?"
Let me preface this by saying there were no feelings of dissatisfaction or sadness in my moment. Nothing about my life right now has me down, if anything I am the happiest I have ever been. The question I am asking is in no way emotional, more critical.
I have an answer for what life is all about... I'm religious, devout in fact. But this question is not about that, I know how I got here, where I came from, how it will end (in my opinion of course).
You know when you're a kid and one day the idea of infinity kind of gets to you... I remember one of my brothers hysterically crying in fear of numbers and knowing that they never end, and then another brother having trouble sleeping at night because he would get a song stuck in his head and he panicked thinking he might never fall asleep. My feeling is kind of like that..... a fear of something never ending.
The life of a mother is redundant, and I knew it would be. Wake up, feed, change diaper, play, remember to eat, try to exercise, nap, maybe shower, get out of the house, grocery store, make dinner, bath time, baby to sleep, watch parenthood, eat ice cream, feel guilty about eating the ice cream, promise to not eat ice cream again, sleep, repeat (hoping to exclude the ice cream part).
But sitting in my car, after yet another trip to target, I kind of chuckled. I laughed at myself and my every day routines. When are these days going to end? Will they ever be interrupted by something different? How long am I going to feel like a machine, waking up every day and knowing for the most part what the day will bring. Am I going to lay in bed at night forever thinking, " another day down" ?
Down what? I checked the day off the list..... what list? How long is the list?
My head on the pillow, ready to fall asleep, I asked my husband if he'd seen that one movie. you know the one with Jim Carrey. the one where he's in a show and he sails away only to find out he's pretty much in a bubble and opens a door to find out everything was different. Well in some bizarro way I feel like I can relate. Like one day I'm going to wake up and understand why I needed to do all those loads of laundry.
My husband then mentioned how some days he feels like he works to pay the bills, which then made me think of those people who just sell everything and go travel the world, and then I thought about what it means to be an "adventurous" person, and questioned whether or not I am one. Then I thought maybe if I had a trip to look forward to I wouldn't feel like there was no end, that maybe there was something to get me through each day, and then I thought about the people who go on trips all the time and couldn't help but think, "well that's not real life".
Well what the hell is?
This may or may not be making any sense whatsoever, and I most likely sound like a complete crazy. But for those 5 minutes today consistency scared me.
to be continued.....
(at a time where I'm not sleep deprived and bored... bad combination)
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