dear diary,

just yesterday, in the middle of the day, i spent four hours away from my child. 

this is big. 

and for all you non-parents out there, who may be thinking "well your decision to have a child was completely your own, you're so young you should have thought it through, and I can't believe you haven't been out alone yet, and I know i'm never having kids because they suck the life out of you"... well you're right. 

but you are so much more wrong. 

a GOOD day in the life of pippa:

5 am - pippa is awake.. feed her and put her back to sleep 

6:30 -7:00 - pippa wakes up again, bring her into bed (Dad sneaks out at some point) SEE YA...

8:00 - we are up for good... feed 

8:00 - 10:00 PLAY.....?  Eat breakfast, try to work out, start a load of laundry, clean something (try really hard to remember to brush my teeth) go outside!

10:00 - 12:00 NAP (2 hours... yeah right. Im just hoping for the best every day) 

      - start thinking about dinner, go on some kind of social media.... jealous...get off social media.        Think about how lame my living room is. find new recipes. etc....

12:00 - start to hear little coos in pippa's room... walk in to find her chatting to herself ( heart melts) feed

12:00 - 2:00 GET OUT OF THE HOUSE -------- TARGET TARGET TARGET (safest place to go because if i forgot anything then they most likely have it.... and by that i mean diapers because i seriously never bring them with me anywhere.  

2:00 - 4:00 race home to get a nap because if we are late she freaks out

     - remember the load of laundry that you started... developed a stench, WASH it again. start dinner 

4:00 those little coos again... or all out rage screams..... hungry bear. feed 

4:00 - 6:00 play again... (start feeling a little bored... what do you do with a baby??) go on a walk, get outside, make dinner

6:00 - 7:00 little nap ---- husbands home, scarf down dinner 

7:00 - 8:00 bath time, story time, dad hang out time

8:00 bed ........ can i get a hoooooooorahhhhhh

10:00 feed her again 

10:30 GO TO BED

*this schedule omits the crying, screaming, soothing, gas attacks, and pooping (insert winking emoji)

 

 

redundant? maybe.... demanding? of course... exhausting? you betcha.. 

worth it? ... more than you will ever know. 

so again, i spent four hours away from my child. yeah yeah i know.... getting away is healthy and necessary. getting away was rejuvenating, yes. and in no way will it never happen again, but i won't even tell you how many times i snuck a peek at my phone (not to mention how many times I called and texted). i love knowing that she is sleeping okay, that she had fun, that she went on a walk, that she swung on grandpas swing, that she is laughing, that she screamed the whole car ride, that she is happy. 

she has such a big part of my heart. and each and every day (maybe not every second of every day) i feel so privileged to be her mom. so lucky to be the one cleaning up blow outs and oxi-cleaning the spit up off my own clothes... and kissing that little face over and over again. 

so yeah... fist pumps to the best freaking job i will ever have. 

5 months

I don't know measurements... 

- more and more little chuckles 

- hates her stomach and refuses to roll over 

- can sit up some days

- has become very interested in toys

- puts EVERYTHING straight into her mouth 

- loves people, but only likes when mom or dad puts her to bed 

- crosses her little feet when she's sitting 

- regular poops, less and less gas 

- best sleeps are from 8 - 10 then from 10 till 5 and then till 7 or 8 (some days) 

- some days she takes a long afternoon nap and I find myself bored without her 

- still fits in 3-6 clothes 

- went in the swimming pool for the first time 

a post for the intellectual that I think I am

Its 11:00pm. My baby is peacefully sleeping and the gentle yet exhausted breaths coming from my husband fill our room. It was a good day, maybe even a great one. Errands finished, a little Easter preparation, dinner with friends, and yet all I can think about (and the reason I'm restless and awake) is the 5 or so minutes today when I sat in my car motionless wondering and asking myself, "what is the point?"

Let me preface this by saying there were no feelings of dissatisfaction or sadness in my moment. Nothing about my life right now has me down, if anything I am the happiest I have ever been. The question I am asking is in no way emotional, more critical.

I have an answer for what life is all about... I'm religious, devout in fact. But this question is not about that, I know how I got here, where I came from, how it will end (in my opinion of course).

You know when you're a kid and one day the idea of infinity kind of gets to you... I remember one of my brothers hysterically crying in fear of numbers and knowing that they never end, and then another brother having trouble sleeping at night because he would get a song stuck in his head and he panicked thinking he might never fall asleep. My feeling is kind of like that..... a fear of something never ending.

The life of a mother is redundant, and I knew it would be. Wake up, feed, change diaper, play, remember to eat, try to exercise, nap, maybe shower, get out of the house, grocery store, make dinner, bath time, baby to sleep, watch parenthood, eat ice cream, feel guilty about eating the ice cream, promise to not eat ice cream again, sleep, repeat (hoping to exclude the ice cream part).

But sitting in my car, after yet another trip to target, I kind of chuckled. I laughed at myself and my every day routines. When are these days going to end?  Will they ever be interrupted by something different? How long am I going to feel like a machine, waking up every day and knowing for the most part what the day will bring. Am I going to lay in bed at night forever thinking, " another day down" ?

Down what? I checked the day off the list..... what list? How long is the list?

My head on the pillow, ready to fall asleep, I asked my husband if he'd seen that one movie. you know the one with Jim Carrey. the one where he's in a show and he sails away only to find out he's pretty much in a bubble and opens a door to find out everything was different. Well in some bizarro way I feel like I can relate. Like one day I'm going to wake up and understand why I needed to do all those loads of laundry.

My husband then mentioned how some days he feels like he works to pay the bills, which then made me think of those people who just sell everything and go travel the world, and then I thought about what it means to be an "adventurous" person, and questioned whether or not I am one. Then I thought maybe if I had a trip to look forward to I wouldn't feel like there was no end, that maybe there was something to get me through each day, and then I thought about the people who go on trips all the time and couldn't help but think, "well that's not real life".

Well what the hell is?

This may or may not be making any sense whatsoever, and I most likely sound like a complete crazy. But for those 5 minutes today consistency scared me.

to be continued.....
(at a time where I'm not sleep deprived and bored... bad combination)

4 months

16lbs 24in

- really good play time, lots of standing and jumping
- starting to be awake longer in the day not quite four hour cycles but close
- pooping more frequently
- a little clingy but does not want to cuddle, she NEVER falls asleep in my arms
- starting to see more clearly and gets nervous with people
- naps suck, really messy and inconsistent
- still not sleeping through the night and we've gone through some crazy awake periods
- sucks on her hands non stop and even sometimes her little thumb
- lots and lots of talking and chatting and even a few real giggles
- had her first little hair cut to get rid of the rat tail
- less fearful of deep man voices
- gets pretty aggressive in the bath, started putting less water in to be cautious
- LOVES to be outside, and calms down almost immediately if we go on a walk
- seems like she'll never roll over

3 months

13lbs ?in

- very interactive, lots of smiles and a cough laugh 

- still a good eater (even when i had mastitis)

- loves to be outside 

- pretty much out of 0-3 clothes 

- sleeping in crib 

- went to NYC - awesome on the plane, horrible sleeper while there 

- getting better at tummy time 

- LOVES the bath now and doesn't scream when she gets out 

- still not sleeping through the night, but better 

- Ewell grandparents came to visit 

2 months

12lbs 22(ish) in.

- baby blessing from dad

- first Christmas (in Utah)

- sometimes sleeps big stretches but mostly doesn't 

- very stuffy in the dry climate... might have allergies like dad

- eats eats eats and eats 

- starting to smile back and make a little eye contact 

- getting better at baths but prefers the shower 

- still sleeping in a rock and play 

1 month

10lbs  21in

- put herself on a 3 hour eating schedule right from the get go
- hates baths, lotion, and getting dressed
- eats like a champ
- spits up like a champ
- poops every 7-8 days
- terrible baby acne
- sleeps in her own room in a rock and play
- flew to Utah for Thanksgiving
- lots of walks with mom
- getting really big really fast


Learning to nurse and adjusting to sleep deprivation were the most difficult for me.